Motherhood reflections: A Working mother’s journey on a Train
The reality of being a self employed mum : juggling, work, family and guilt
Today is my first day that I haven’t done any work in 18… and only my 3rd day of no work this entire month.
Now the amount of work was down to me. I’m self employed I pick and choose, which is a great benefit of being a self employed mother. BUT it also means I often say yes to everything. As a working mother who doesn’t like to disappoint I often say YES! As soon as I’m asked to do something be it work or family life I say yes for a number of reasons!
I like feeling needed, (but I believe this is learnt behaviour, as at my very core and before I had children I loved being on my own I don’t NEED lots of people.
I don’t want to let others down or cause them more hassle. I was taught that I should always be helpful. And as the daughter of working single mother I took my role very seriously I saw how greatful my mother was when I did help. (Even if I didn’t want to)
And this is one most working mothers will relate to money. Working equates to more money and it feels desperately unfair when your earnings half or in our case drop to 1/4 of what they were BEFORE your babies arrived. Yet you feel like you are working harder than ever before. Sure you get the rewards. The snotty cuddles, the “I love yous” the memories, the memories no one else is going to be privileged enough to see because they aren’t you. They are not the primary parent. But it’s still the most demanding role and financially you’re probably the worst off you’ve ever been and that feels quite unfair…
How clothes shape your identity as a mother
The first thing I’ve mused on is my clothes. Today I’ve got wide leg black trousers in a nice material. And a jacket… I’ve got my engagement ring on (I can’t wear it normally as it’s a bit spikey and might catch Beatrice) but as I drove to the station I didn’t really feel like “me” I felt like the old version of me`. (The me before babies. BUT with a difference the girl before babies didn’t really value herself, her body, she worried about EVERYTHING way too much! She would have looked in the mirror a zillion times sucked her tummy in and carefully applied make up. As I drove to the station I recall not looking in the mirror once! Knowing I looked nice (reaffirmed by my husband)
Embracing motherhood: I am a mum before anything else
SO what is me then? When I thought about this he word came straight away. I am a mother. I am a mum before I am anything else and I LOVE that.
The fear of loosing yourself in motherhood- and why that is ok
When I was pregnant with William I was determined not to loose myself in motherhood. I’d learnt that somehow that was bad or wrong. I might get fat! I might stop working - that would be awful because “what about when the babies leave home and you are left with nothing?” I’m pretty sure I said that. I’m pretty sure that is a fear that came from my upbringing.
So who is Chloe? I am a mother and as Chloe this mother of two blooming awesome humans I feel STRONG, powerful, confident in my abilities to mother. With a fierce love of my body because it birthed and fed and continues to feed my children. My body is incredible.
And as excited as I am to see my friends today this is probably not my ideal day right now…
My Ideal day as a mum: finding peace in the chaos
So indulged in a bit of day dreaming about what my ideal day might be. (It’s a beautiful spring day blue skys perfect for the beach) and that’s where I would choose to be today. If I could do anything at all. Go to the beach with my children first to play but then on my own for an hour or so with hot drink maybe my journal…) that’s where I feel safe. In clothes that don’t matter with the sea air. Then I’d want to go home a climb into bed again on my own perhaps with some chia tea. With fresh ginger… and maybe a book, but most likely a meditation. And my rose geranium oil to massage into my womb space. There is just something so soothing about ginger, cinnamon, a hot drink and the scent of rose oil that makes me feel so SAFE in our bed room. (Mine, Bens, Beatrice’s and Williams we’ve all slept in that bed) Beatrice still does. William gets in often. My perfect day no longer involves material things. It involves the outdoors, space to let my mind wonder and seeking safety in my home in my body.
The exhaustion of Motherhood: It drains and fills you at the same time
The next musing is how tired I am but how full my children make me feel. They deplete my cup and fill it up in equal measure. They fill my head so much I don’t have the time to put things back in proper places or the energy to arrange and organise the house. We need to create a 3rd bedroom and I still don’t have the capacity to do it. When I get a rare day of no work or babies I just NEED to do something that replenishes. That could be time with my friends like today or a walk on my own. But they happen so infrequently! And that’s ok! I’m ok with that. The effort it takes to arrange care for them when I’m not around. The guilt I feel when I leave them sometimes is more energy sapping than the refilling I get by having the time away!
What do you do for yourself as a mum? A hard question to answer.
And I often get asked the question well what do you do FOR YOU. And quite often I don’t know! But then I remember that being with them right now is what makes me whole. When I’m not with them I feel a bit wrong. My boobs tell me I’m still needed and so does my heart. And that is also ok. It’s part of who I am right now a mother before anything else.
And I’m ok with it because on the journey to now on this wild ride of motherhood I’m also carving a path for life after babies. A life of healthy life work balance, of meaningful work holding space for other women. Holding them through pregnancy, birth and into postpartum and I’m sure as I age into menopause and beyond.
My babies have taught me SUCH a valuable lesson when it comes to self love. To appreciation of my body for the feminine energy for softness, compassion and not trying to do all the things because it’s flipping impossible. And when they no longer need me I’ll be able to have more offerings. More face to face support more online spaces I’ll also have the freedom to learn more and to refill my cup in the ways I want to.
Today felt odd as I left the house with MY handbag not a baby change ruck sack. No pram, no snacks! No spare pants.
Motherhood and marriage: Navigating relationships after kids
And then my musings come to my husband, after a day with my friends. A day of adult conversation of friends asking me questions and actually listening to my answers. Making me feel valued, seen safe. I come to the man who struggles with parenting at times the loss of freedom. The mess and chaos the worry… (the guy who’s just rung me about potato’s, for the childrens tea!) And I miss him! I miss the old us! We have a mix of him working away me working weekends and feeding to sleep which means our US time is none existent and if there was one thing I could change it would be to have more time with him. I forget we matter to. He matters. before our family there was just us. And I miss him.
The first 1000 days of mothering: why its more than just the “golden hour”
Then we come to carving out more time for that, and I see my work, the needs of the children my need to be with them, my need to be alone. It’s so much but for how much longer? In reality not much longer. We intend to stop with two babies and Beatrice is 20 months. Which means in another year or so she’ll be out of the intense needing period. Because babies need you for 3 years intensely. We aren’t told that enough. We talk about the first hour after birth as the golden hour. BUT in my opinion and backed up by some research although not enough the first 1095 and 3/4 days are a better reflection of the time it takes to care for and deeply nourish your child and indeed yourself as a mother. You BOTH need time to adjust to this new world.
This idea that after 12 weeks post partum we immerge back to this slightly different version of ourselves is just utter rubbish. The birth of you baby is the birth of a new you. It’s taken me 5 years and 2 births to full appreciate that!
The life-changing power of acceptance in motherhood
So I’m now at the end of a beautiful day with true friends who are still in the background if I need them, who give me the kindness and compassion and time to talk that I need sometimes. I’m waiting for my train to get back in time for bedtime my right breast has been uncomfortable since 13.30 it feels like it might explode it’s making me edgy now. Uncomfortable. Disregulated.
My conclusion is it’s ok to be so absorbed in motherhood right now. My body will always tell me I need to be back home with my babies. Especially while milk is required. It reminds me of how clever my body is how beautiful breastfeeding is. How tiring it is! I’ve still done little bits of work today finishing off website content… posting on instagram. Thinking… and I will continue to work this weekend. Around my children and house jobs that have to be done. I miss a tidy house a tidy mind but I have something I didn’t have 5 years ago a sense of self worth, compassion and bucket loads of self love and for that I have my children to thank… not my job (my babies brought me to my work) not my husband or my parents but my children. They have been the catalyst for growth into the new person I have become. A mother first. And everting else after. I’m not lost I’ve been found, discovered. And I’m invested in my journey and indeed your journey from here on in!
